Brokeback Lake...

There would appear to be somewhat of a problem. I say somewhat of a problem because I read that phrase somewhere in a real book and I thought it sounded good. No other reason. Simple.

Anyway, back to the problem. I've just re-read the older posts (an exercise in futility it might seem, based on the fact I wrote them and re read them first time round) and the overriding impression I come away with is that the others keep messing up and my s**t doesn't smell. Well the posts do leave the impression of a slight odour, but only of fresh cut grass and Christmas trees. But that's another long story about a drunken visit to a very sensitive dietitian with no sense of humour...

So in an attempt to rectify this slight misconception I toyed with the idea of editing all the old posts and inserting the parts where I was the butt of jokes or messed up etc etc. I chucked that idea quickly as I realised people would hardly re read this stuff (bar me of course), and instead have opted for a quick synopsis so as everyone will know just what the rest of the lads have to overcome as well as the 19000ft climb. Brace yourself....

1. I talk a lot. There isn't a silence out there that I could feel comfortable with!! In fact I don't even think we could do coffee.



2. I complain a lot. This is natural extension of the talking a lot, at this stage the lads have heard all my stories and there tends to be a lot to complain about when you have to drag all this weight around mountains with no proper tracks or dare I say escalators.



3. I should point out both of these stop once the going gets, not so much tough, but more moderately difficult. However, the silence gets rebuked with plenty of profanity monologues instead.



4. This whole exercise in torture was my idea. I know everyone else had no problems getting on board, but I had left out a fair few details until after the deposit was paid. Including, but not exclusively, the -30deg summit, the 15hr walk the NIGHT of the ascent, the poor showers at the hotel, the list is endless.



5. I have a terrible sense of direction and I cant read maps. Even road maps to the start points are beyond me. Which is strange considering I love telling people they're bringing us the wrong way, while never actually offering up the correct route. This works on so many levels its great. I get to complain and be right, as 90% of the time we do end up going the wrong way.



6. I have a huge head.... And I don't mean that in the big ego sort of huge head, although... My head is just out sized as the Americans might say. I say might because there is a chance they might actually go down the road of 'would ya look at the size of that guys massive head' or words to that effect. It might seem strange that I mention this, I mean what difference does it make to mountain climbing??? Well I can cast areas into complete shadow, and if I stagger and lean slightly backwards a deadly combination of gravity and my head could result in the untimely departure from this world of the person behind me!!!!

So why now I hear people ask? Why at all I also hear the odd person say? I also hear other voices, most of which I've learned to ignore until there's no one around to hear me respond!. Some I don't need to ignore and can often prove more interesting than voices with bodies attached... Where was I?, oh ya, why now. Well I had an incident with a pair of shorts last Sunday which, no matter what your view on censorship, couldn't be left out of the blog. And I didn't want the image of perfection I'd built up to be shattered, so in an amazing display of sideways thinking I instead decided to rip away the shadowy layers of polished excellence and come clean by admitting the flawed individual you find bared before you.... Oh and Ash said it was time I 'payed' myself out instead of him!!!!

Anyway, last Sunday and the 'Shorts'. We went back to Carrantuohill, Conor included but Sullie absent. Spent our usual half hour flaffing around getting ready, where I discovered the horrible truth about my new hiking pants. I had tried them on in the shop, they seemed fine, a little tight maybe but the next size up would have required a belt and an extra stone of pure stomach! In truth I left that shop with a happiness no man should get from shopping, I was that delighted about my hiking pants. However I hadn't tried to move about much in the shop. I should've smelled a rat when he guided me towards the 1ft by 1ft changing room. When I put them on Sunday it was a whole new ball game... In more ways than one I might add!!!! I think Conor provided a perfect description when he astutely observed that I looked like two pigs fighting under a blanket!!! I of cousre whinged about them the whole way up the mountain, which was just as well as it drowned out the lads laughter everytime I struggled to climb up a step in my highly restrictive shorts. The US government has been looking for this level of containment for years!

Obviously we enventually got over it and focused all that misspent concentration back on staying on the trail. Ash played a stormer as our psuedo Indian guide. Conor or myself naturally could have taken on this role, but it's a hard job to do 100 yards behind the leader. We found a path to the top which involved exactly the correct number of breaks, and which didn't involve a near death experience. Shame on you Sullie... We returned the same way, and had a brief stop off for a paddle in one of the lakes. Exceptionally refreshing, if a little cold. Feel free to replace little cold with, heart stoppingly freezing. Although not as cold as the freezer works Ash worked in back in New Zealand. By a starnge coincendence, the freezer works are actually the same temp as the top of Kilimanjaro, just slightly lower on the planet.
I dont think now is the time to discuss just what 3 half naked guys paddling around in a lake in the middle of the mountains look like. But if past movies were a guide, we were a shoo in for a oscar!!! We made it back in 5.5 hrs for the best soup in the land. I just looked at how long we have left before we go.... Oh dear god.....